Remaining heterosexual beginning to feel like full-time job, local man claims

With the recent rise of excessively effeminate men wearing skinny jeans, one local man has pointed out that remaining heterosexual is beginning to feel like a full-time job.

Schupe: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Meet avid jogger Joel Schupe. He swears that he's not gay. But lately he's been filled with urges that are becoming increasingly hard to ignore. Urges that consume his every moment.

"It's very hard to determine who's male and who's female these days," Schupe claimed. "Especially from a distance, or when it's dark."

Schupe spends his mornings running along the scenic Astoria Riverwalk. He usually takes a break behind the Safeway loading dock, where he sits on a bench and watches the young men unload heavy crates of merchandise. There's no particular reason why he stops here, he claims. This is just the area on his jogging route where he begins to feel winded.

"I love women," Schupe added. "All of the aunts on my father's side were women. Excellent people. Great ladies, the whole bunch. We had some good times together."

Schupe then began to cough nervously, as he was distracted by a nearby male.

"There's nothing wrong with looking," Schupe said. "I just like a good, tight pair of jeans. I love women. I honestly do. But I should be able to look at whatever I want, right?"