Local hot dog restaurant still refusing to open its fucking goddamn doors

The Blacks and their contractor attempting to make sense out of some building plans.

When Donna and Tracy Black told the people of Astoria that they were planning on building a hot dog restaurant called Life in the Slow Lane, the city believed them.

Why shouldn't we have? We had no reason not to. They seemed like decent people. There was nothing about their proposal that raised any suspicions at all. And it didn't appear that they would have anything to gain by making the whole thing up. For all intents and purposes, it seemed like the restaurant would only be a matter of time.

Yet over a year after their initial announcement, where are the dogs?

"This is bullshit," remarked area resident Waldo Decowitz. "I'm sick and tired of having to go through Costco's ever-increasing security measures just to get a Kirkland hot dog."

Decowitz, who has a history of suicide, was last in the news when paramedics were able to revive him after his lifeless corpse was fished out of the Columbia River.

As of now, there is still no official opening date for Life in the Slow Lane. All attempts at contacting the Blacks have been unsuccessful at this time.

To sign a petition forcing them to open immediately, click here.

Woman caught eating sandwich in car

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

An area woman was spotted yesterday eating a sandwich while driving eastbound on Leif Erikson Drive, reports say.

While eyewitnesses disagree about the make and model of the vehicle she was driving, a strong majority of them feel confident that the sandwich in question was a chicken salad on rye.

"You could see the caraway seeds very clearly," one witness claimed. "It looked like there might have been some lettuce up on top, as well. Baby field greens, if I had to guess. Tomato, too. An all-around decent looking sandwich, albeit a bit on the thin side."

The woman was last seen turning down 45th Street towards Alderbrook.

Local resident still lost inside Albatross

A local resident who went missing two nights ago while dining at the Albatross restaurant on 14th Street has still not been found, authorities say.

So far, search and rescue parties have come up empty-handed, although friends and family members of the missing man are choosing to remain hopeful at this time.

Thunderclap: Photo courtesy of Tinder.

The missing man has been identified as Karl J. Thunderclap, 26, of Warrenton.

Witnesses who were with Thunderclap recall him excusing himself from the table in order to use the restroom. A trip from which he never returned.

"He took one wrong turn and plunged into a dark abyss," claimed one witness. "He just disappeared."

Known for it's excessively dark ambiance, Albatross has been serving farm-to-table dinners, oysters and craft beers in Downtown Astoria since 2013. Or possibly since early-2014. Somewhere around that time.

"It's a very dark location," remarked Officer Thomas Litwit, who is heading the investigation. "This wouldn't be the first time someone has been lost inside there."

Police search tirelessly within the endless dark shadows of Albatross.

When asked about this escalating situation, Albatross owner Eric Bourgeois offered no comment.

"We're not prepared to suggest that Mr. Bourgeois has any involvement with missing persons at this time," Litwit confirmed. "But, until further information is obtained to suggest otherwise, he will continue to be considered a person of interest in this matter. After all, he has been known to operate a motor vehicle that appears to have been used in the Jeepers Creepers movie franchise."

Pacific Northwest Professional Wrestling to add Donald Trump to roster

Trump battling Jimmy "Eagle Bones" Sullivan in last week's exhibition match.

In an act that has surprised many in the local sports world, Pacific Northwest Pro Wrestling executives have agreed to allow billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump to join their roster.

The decision came almost immediately after research and development reports showed it may be exactly what the struggling organization needs in order to stay afloat, as well as an excellent source of anger management for the notoriously infuriated 2016 presidential candidate.

For those interested, Trump can be seen this coming Sunday at the Astoria Events Center, where he will take a break from the campaign trail to face Iron Jim Manderthrust.

Mini Mart meth addicts becoming more brazen, recent study shows

Photo courtesy of Pastor J. Wilmer Rollingrock.

The meth addicts who frequent the Astoria Mini Mart on West Marine Drive are becoming more brazen, a recent study shows.

The study was spearheaded by the Astoria Baptist Players Club, a ragtag groups of ministers, pastors and clergymen, and was overseen by the notorious Pastor J. Wilmer Rollingrock.

Pastor Rollingrock last garnered media attention after his full name was spray painted in lime green on the back wall of Ocean Beauty Seafoods. No charges were ever filed.

"There has been an erratic change in behavior among those who abuse meth in this city," Rollingrock remarked. "They've been standing closer to common pedestrians than ever before. Breathing heavier, staring longer. Waiting for some sort of signal, perhaps."

Release the Bats, 4AD Records (1981)

Distracted briefly as The Birthday Party's "Release the Bats" began playing ominously through Astoria's newly-installed Bose surround sound speaker system, Rollingrock continued on.

"We've sent undercover agents into the Mini Mart for observation," he added. "I, myself, have gone deeper undercover than I am willing to admit. We've done the necessary homework. We've crunched the data. There is definitely something big about to unfold. The city is restless. It's ready to pounce. We've narrowed the possible causes down to be either an increase in drug availability, a decrease in drug availability, an increase in the quality of the drugs, or even a decrease in quality. But no matter what's going down, the Astoria Baptist Players Club will get to the bottom of it. And when we do, we'll move on to something else."

Area couple adopt dangerous black teen

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Tyler and Susan Weir realized that their 20-year high school reunion was coming up, they had no idea how they were going to outdo the generosity and success of their graduating class.

Life had changed an awful lot since Susan had graduated from Astoria High School back in 1997. There would surely be at least one lesbian couple at the reunion. And there were bound to be a few missionaries who had recently been building hospitals in third world countries. There might even be a transgender person there. And to a self-absorbed attention-hound like Susan Weir, that could only mean one thing: competition.

"I didn't want to go to my reunion and watch somebody else steal the show," Susan admitted. "I want people to be talking about me."

So, after months of tireless online research, Susan finally decided on something that would inevitably top anything her former classmates could ever think of. And with Tyler's approval, they adopted a troubled and dangerous black teenager.

L'Kwandrick Jackson, May 2015.

L'Kwandrick Jackson is a sixteen-year-old from Linthicum Heights, MD. Recently displaced after both of his parents were jailed due to incidents occurring in the Baltimore protests, Jackson had been living in a group home, where he was scheduled to be euthanized later this month.

But as soon as the Weirs met him, they knew that he was the one. So they packed his bags and flew him back to Oregon, where they immediately began working on immersing him in Clatsop County's culture.

"I absolutely adore having him around," remarked Tyler.

"Not only do we have the ability to instill our own personal values in someone else," Susan added. "But we can learn from him, as well. The movies he watches, the music he listens to; all of it is new to us. And we feel safer having him around. We experienced a break-in the other night while Tyler and I were away in Hillsboro. It was the first time anyone had ever broken into our home. To know that L'Kwandrick was hiding under his bed when it happened just kills me inside. He must have been terrified. He even helped us look for any missing items. Sometimes I think his heart is even bigger than his 'fro."

Identical men unknowingly cross paths

Photo courtesy of Hannibal LeMarsupial.

Two identical young men were spotted crossing Commercial Street earlier today, although what could have been a chance encounter between them failed to unfold.

When asked by reporters how they had remained oblivious to each other's presence, both men claimed to have been engrossed in one of the most crucial iPhone playlists they've made in quite some time. After being compared by our field staff analysts, the playlists were determined to be exactly the same.

"This is a remarkable set of circumstances," commented Hannibal LeMarsupial, an unemployed artist, who demanded full credit for photographing the strange occurrence. "This only proves that we are one step further in achieving a perfect Astor race."

David Bowie sighted in Downtown Astoria

Photo courtesy of Herman "Neckbone" Walker.

An apparent David Bowie sighting in the Downtown area has sparked controversy throughout the city, with many residents claiming the late performer has risen from the grave.

But what many residents don't realize is, it's not entirely uncommon for people to fake their deaths and reinvent themselves within the isolated confines of Astoria.

The incident went viral only hours after local ne'er-do-well Herman "Neckbone" Walker was able to photograph a man appearing to be the deceased rock star as he perched gracefully along the window sill of a popular neighborhood record shop.

"It was definitely him," Walker told reporters. "He tried his hardest not to move or blink, but my schedule was wide open, so I just sat there and looked back at him until he finally got up and walked away. I would have taken more pictures, but my phone died. I've been having issues with my charger. You have to play with it a bit to get it to work."

Walker then stared off into the distance, as if consumed by a sudden idea. He then darted off into the general direction of Uniontown, where he is still presumed to be.

Whether this recent sighting was actually David Bowie, or just a man who bears an uncanny resemblance to him, no one can be certain at this time. The photograph is scheduled to be analyzed later this week at Clatsop Community College.

In the meantime, a GoFundMe page to replace Herman "Neckbone" Walker's cell phone charger can be found here: https://www.gofundme.com/duks5yfa

Local scientists predict early rape season for Astoria Riverwalk

A team of local scientists are predicting an early rape season for the Astoria Riverwalk.

The scientists, who were sent from Portland four years ago to monitor the behaviors of lesser cultures, were said to have used a combination of temperature gauges, flood maps, almanacs, archive data and hypotheses.

"There's no mistaking it, the rape season will hit sooner than expected," said lead scientist Garland Sandwich. "Most people will blame El Niño, but there's more to it than that."

Sandwich then went on to explain the boring details that led to their forecast.

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

The Astoria Riverwalk is a 6.4 mile stretch of man-made path along the scenic Columbia River, offering panoramic views of Washington to the north.

For years, it has been a hot spot for walkers, joggers and bicyclists. And in the spring and summer, a tourist attraction for those arriving to the city by cruise ship at the nearby Port of Astoria.

But the Astoria Riverwalk is also known for a statistically high number of rapes that occur in the warmer months. It is a time of year known to locals as "rape season".

"As long as Astoria sees a high fluctuation of visitors," Sandwich explained. "There will always be a rape season. It's a combination between the homeless community being more comfortable in the dry weather and the fact that people from outside of Astoria are simply more attractive. You put those two things together and you've got a recipe for disaster. And there's really no way to stop it. Nor should we. When graded as a whole, the homeless population are a pretty lethargic demographic. Like it or not, rape season provides an excellent source of cardio for these folks."

Astoria mayor's hidden past revealed

Photo courtesy of Clatsop Community Corrections.

To some, Mayor Arline LaMear may appear to be a completely harmless senior; just an innocent grandmother with nothing to hide.

You may look at her and be reminded of a Norman Rockwell painting, or of a little old lady who kindly asks you to reach something for her from the top shelves of your local grocer.

You may even look at her and feel a sense of compassion, the likes of which we rarely come across in these modern, troubled times.

And when you look at her and think these things, you may find yourself questioning the legitimacy of them. And you'd be right to, because deep down inside, Arline LaMear is nothing more than a cold and calculating sociopath, who will stop at nothing to destroy anything that gets in her way.

A twenty-one year veteran of the State Presidency of the Virginia Association of School Librarians, LaMear eventually moved to the Pacific Northwest to escape the culminating secrets of her past. From there, she began serving as head librarian of the Columbia River Maritime Museum, a position which she has held since 1997.

But it's what most of us don't know about LaMear that is the most troubling.

In 1973, LaMear was found in a near-comatose state after ingesting over a dozen hash brownies. First responders described LaMear as being "unresponsive, but easy to carry."

In 1984, LaMear was placed on house arrest after several of her neighbors discovered she had been rummaging through their trash barrels at night. It should be noted, however, that the house arrest was placed upon her under the terms of her homeowners association contract, and no official charges were ever filed.

In 1996, LaMear was arrested after a pair of JNCO jeans went missing from a collection of items intended for an Astoria High School time capsule. VHS footage of the theft was sent to the Oregon Department of Education in Salem for further analysis, where it was then lost under mysterious circumstances. All charges were eventually dropped.

In 2004, LaMear's name came up on multiple occasions when locals were questioned about a mysterious new drug called "Blumpkin Sauce." No charges were ever filed.

And in 2014, LaMear's political rival, Larry Taylor, was found handcuffed to a dead Annie's Tavern stripper behind Suomi Hall. He claimed to have no recollection of the events that had transpired, but recalled accepting an open container beverage from LaMear at a local fundraiser. No charges were ever filed with either Taylor or LaMear, although Taylor's run for mayor came to a crashing halt in the wake of the confusion.

For more information about Arline LaMear, please visit the World Wide Web.

Trump takes campaign trail to Clatsop County, receives eerie premonition

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump took his campaign trail to Clatsop County today, where he was greeted warmly in front of the Goonies House by a crowd of angry, white, working class nationalists.

In an effort to diffuse any support that Bernie Sanders may have conjured up during his visit to the area only one day prior, Trump took to attacking his Democratic rival's record and agenda right off the bat. But not before taking on an old rival, as well.

"Let me just start off by saying that Rosie O'Donnell is a fat, putrid, foul excuse of a human being," Trump remarked. "If you can even call her that."

The crowd exploded into a fury of cheers. "Bring us her head!" one man yelled.

Trump pointed and winked at the man. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" he said. "I like you folks. You have a lot of energy. A lot more than my friend Jeb does."

The crowd cheered wildly and demanded Jeb's head on a platter.

"I understand Bernie paid a visit to this area yesterday," Trump said, as the crowd jeered. "I'm sorry, that must have been a very boring visit for you. I mean, the man seems to think that we can solve all of the country's problems by holding hands and planting flowers and making everything free. He's basically a mix between John Lennon and Vladimir Lenin. Am I right? When I'm right, I'm right...am I right? The man is an absolute pussy."

Trump then stepped back abruptly and began massaging his temples, as if concentrating on something very troubling. "I'm receiving a premonition, ladies and gentleman," Trump said. "I'm receiving a message from the beyond."

Trump, receiving a cryptic message from a world beyond worlds.

"This is not good," he told the crowd. "But I have just received word that Bernie Sanders will not be with us for much longer, folks. It appears that, for whatever reason, the next world is ready to take him on."

"Holy shit, he's fucking psychic!" screamed a young child from her mother's Baby Bjorn ergonomic carrier.

"That's right, baby!" Trump said proudly. "It's magic time!"

Trump then slowly faded away until there was nothing left where he stood but a pile of cold, hard cash. The crowd dove into the pile and fought endlessly, grasping at whatever their hands could take hold of. Even the sea lions that waste their lives away at the East Mooring Basin piers crawled up the hill to get their share.

Area residents not feeling the Bern

Bernie Sanders tears into a crowd of unsuspecting Astorians.

Astoria residents were less than cordial when a surprise appearance by presidential candidate Bernie Sanders took place on the corner of Commercial and 12th.

Sanders had arrived in town early yesterday morning in the hopes of reaching out to the historic city in an effort to secure more support in Oregon's traditionally right-leaning North Coast.

Dozens of onlookers gathered before Sanders as he pitched his ideas. Many of them taking to Googling the definition of "Democratic socialism" as he spoke.

"I take a look at this city and I see great beauty," Sanders told the crowd. "I see hope. I see opportunity. But I also see evidence of hard times. I see trouble on the horizon."

"What do we need to do, Bernie?" asked one man.

"Don't cut me off!" Sanders snapped. "This city is a concrete example of the dangers of capitalism. Look at those piers. Look at those abandoned canneries. Bumble Bee Tuna has packed up and moved their operations to California. And they are never, ever coming back. Your mayor of twenty-one years has jumped ship. You never jump ship. You sink with your people. That's the way ol' Bern Dawg would have played it. Your city's infrastructure is crumbling and no one will help you. Josh Brolin and Richard Tyson won't even return your phone calls anymore. Not even a single phone call. It's 2016, ladies and gentlemen. We all have caller ID. They see who's calling. They know it's you."

Reaching into his breast pocket, Sanders retrieved a single 81mg Bayer. "Does anyone have a drink of water? I'm on a very strict aspirin regimen."

After a brief wait, Sanders was handed a tall glass of ice water by a member of Tora Sushi Lounge's waitstaff. He washed the pill down and continued on.

"The big city players are out to destroy you," Sanders said. "The movers and shakers from Portland, they come here and they plant their roots in the ground. And it won't be long until they suck your soil dry. They represent less than one percent of your population, yet over 99% of this city's wealth is distributed between them. That, my friends, is not fair. These brewery owners have got to be accountable for their actions, just as you and I are. The same goes for those Portland transplants that come here and open up those little curio shops. You can never find anything worth buying in those shops, yet, somehow, they have all the wealth. While these people are adorned with fancy hats and expensive Patagonia jackets, you hardworking folks are all living below the poverty line. That's not how it should be. Those odds are simply stacked against you. How any of you folks are able to drink craft beers every night at five dollars a pop is beyond me."

"Go home, you fuckin' filthy Jew!" one onlooker screamed.

"That was completely out of line," Sanders responded. "But I'm gonna let it slide, because the amount of freedom you'll be given under my leadership is unbeatable."

"Will there ever be a Seinfeld reunion?" another resident asked.

"All right," Sanders replied, as he began gathering his items. "That's enough of this rubbish. You people can live in your little bubble all you want. Go ahead and vote for Trump. See how that goes. It's not like anything would ever change in this city, anyway."

Sanders and his entourage then packed their things away into a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla and left the scene. As the small crowd slowly dispersed into the streets of Downtown Astoria, each of those in attendance realized that, for the first time in their lives, they had actually been a part of something. And although most of them weren't quite sure what it was that had taken place, it still felt nice to be involved.

Visit from hardcore legend ends with massive property damage, several injured

A visit this past weekend from New York City hardcore performer Harley Flanagan has resulted in massive property damage and nearly a dozen injured patrons.

Flanagan, who is said to be equal parts human and English bulldog, had been sent to Astoria on the advice of his attorneys while U.S. District Court officials have time to review his Wikipedia page before deciding if he is still a danger to others.

Flanagan last made national headlines after a reported dispute with the notorious D.M.S. crew ended with two members of the gang being stabbed by Flanagan himself.

The most recent incident occurred at the Fort George Brewery and Public House at approximately 9:00 pm on Saturday. According to eye witnesses, Flanagan had just sat down to enjoy a game of Go Fish in the upstairs bar with several bearded locals. After losing multiple hands, Flanagan reportedly flipped the 300 lb. dining table and began beating his chest wildly, punching anybody within a ten foot radius of him.

Harley Flanagan, poised in front of a signature brick wall.

"It was absolutely terrifying," said witness Colton Walker, a Coast Guard cadet who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article. "I had never seen anybody get that angry before."

Pausing briefly to pass gas, Walker continued. "I've seen rogue waves that didn't have a third of the impact of that man. There was something so brutal and untamed about him. It was like somebody just pulled the cord on a chainsaw and threw it into the middle of a crowded room. There must have been seven or eight teeth just laying on the floor when he was done. And all of it over an innocent game of Go Fish."

Authorities arriving on the scene found themselves unequipped to deal with Flanagan and quickly allowed him to exit the city limits in the direction of Warrenton, where he is still presumed to be. He is considered to be unarmed and extremely dangerous.

A memorial service for those injured during Saturday night's events will be held behind the dark curtain inside Metal Head on Marine Drive.