Annie's Tavern to face Astoria Police Department in regional football finals

Annie's Tavern (6-0) will face the Astoria Police Department (5-1) in the regional football finals this coming Saturday at John Warren Field.

Annie's was last in the news when wide receiver Sparkle Foxx was fined $500 after a dance in the end zone involved her picking up a dollar bill without using a single extremity.

Litwit in his standard APD uniform.

The undefeated Annie's is favored by nearly fourteen points, although APD quarterback Thomas Litwit promises his team is ready to do whatever it takes to secure the win.

"They've had an incredible season," Litwit admitted. "But everything we've worked for is riding on this game. We're not about to let it slip away now. We're pillars of the community, sworn to protect and serve the citizens of Astoria. We're well respected in this town. We have a lot more to lose than them."

Litwit threw three consecutive touchdowns during Astoria Police Department's last game against Bornstein Seafoods.

Michael Ironside arrives in Astoria

Four-time Gemini Award nominee Michael Ironside will be spending the weekend in Astoria, reportedly researching his role for the rumored Kindergarten Cop prequel, Crisp Rising.

Ironside, who is best known for his role as Sheriff Tony Willinger in the made-for-television classic, Lake Placid 3,  has not been featured in a major motion picture in nearly five years.

Photo courtesy of the Ontario Ministry of
Safety and Correctional Services.

When asked for details on this highly anticipated project, Ironside surprisingly had very little to offer.

"Actually, I'm not here to film a movie at all," the actor claimed. "My press team and I are here to sample the Ol' Ironsides sandwich at Albatross. From my understanding, it's based on some of my earlier films. I've been quite curious about it for some time now."

The Ol' Ironsides sandwich features bacon, braised pork shoulder, sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, and Albatross' signature 1001 island dressing.

It is, however, unrelated to actor Michael Ironside.

After coming to this realization, Ironside immediately expressed regret about spending nearly $600 for a round-trip ticket from Toronto, Ontario.

"This is a little embarrassing," admitted Ironside. "I guess I just assumed that because the owner of Albatross is a fellow Canadian, he must have been a longtime fan. He probably doesn't even know who I am. Honestly, I feel like a fucking idiot right now."

Columbian Café takes gold at Astoria's 2015 Decent-Ass Places Awards

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

For the third consecutive year, the Columbian Café took home first prize at this year's Decent-Ass Places Awards.

The ceremony, which was held in Room 302 of the historically relevant Commodore Hotel, was attended by the upper echelon of Astoria, and is the oldest award ceremony west of the Rockies.

For over thirty years, the Columbian Café has offered an unparalleled standard for dining in the Northwest, specializing in fresh, locally caught seafood dishes and balls-to-the-wall vegetarian fare.

Serrano Squints, circa 2014.

"It feels good to beat everyone else," said Chef Serrano Squints, a classically trained long-order cook, who works the Columbian's daytime shift. "We're a decent-ass place. We worked hard to get there. I'm just glad that we're getting the recognition we deserve. Three years in a row, I might add. Show and prove, baby. This is the big-time! It's all uphill from here."

Squints was later transported to the St. John Medical Center in Longview, Washington, as a malfunction in his Transitions® XTRActive® lenses caused him to dart off wildly into a passing logging truck.

Runners-up for the award expressed frustrations with the Columbian's impressive three-time winning streak, although begrudgingly admitted that their reputation is well-deserved.

"It's definitely a decent-ass place," Burger King spokesman Buckwald Spinebuckets conceded. "I think they deserve a pat on the back, for sure, but I don't necessarily think they're the best. Either way, it's not fair that we only got third place. This is just a perfect example of how the Yumbo® Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich keeps getting overlooked by critics."

Former mayor declares war on Coke

Former mayor Willis L. Van Dusen, who ruled Astoria's streets for nearly a quarter-century, has declared war on any business within the city limits that offers Coca-Cola products.

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Van Dusen, who once attracted national media attention after his third DUI offense landed him with a "life, plus ten years" breathalyzer sentence from the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles, stepped down from his long-term role as Astoria's mayor earlier this year.

But with his political career behind him, some say that his focus as Vice President of Van Dusen Beverages, Inc. will show the city a side of the ex-mayor that his former constituents were previously unfamiliar with.

Van Dusen Beverages, Inc. was established in 1849 as Van Dusen Mercantile, and is currently operating as a Pepsi-Cola bottling company. It is also noted for being the oldest business in Oregon.

"This is a new era," Van Dusen told reporters. "I don't walk around kissing babies anymore. Those days are over. I'm here to push Pepsi products and nothing more. It's what I do. It's in my DNA. You wanna talk about the Oregon Trail? Who do you think cleared away all the shrubbery and brush? Who do you think took all the trees down? Who do you think rolled the stones outta the way, or built the bridges over the waterways? The Van Dusens are the lifeblood of Astoria. I mean, come on. I got Free Willy filmed here, for Christ's sake. You people owe me. I think the least you can do is refrain from purchasing Coke products."

While there is no actual law against distributing Coca-Cola products in Astoria, area merchants known for selling its beverages have been encouraged by incumbent Mayor Arlene LaMear to keep a low profile until Van Dusen's latest apparent drinking binge subsides.

Area residents no longer able to distinguish between hipsters and legitimate fishermen

With a new mayor in office, many unresolved issues in Astoria have been coming to light. And on the forefront of it all is the increasing number of complaints from area residents being unable to tell the difference between hipsters and legitimate fishermen.

With their signature flannels, worn jeans, undersized beanies and scruffy beards, it seems that the crossover between the two groups' appearances has become too substantial for locals to form any noteworthy distinction between one demographic and the other.

One resident who claims to have encountered this problem many times is Johnny Au Grötten, an Astoria transplant, who recently moved from Idaho to hide from the secrets of his past. 

Johnny Au Grötten, distracted by a nearby sea turtle.

"I was trying to talk to some guy about the new Incan Abraham CD," Au Grötten remarked, pausing briefly to adjust his crotch. "The next thing I know, I'm walking home with over ten pounds of Dungeness crab. It turns out he was actually some sort of sea captain. I don't even know what to do with all that crab. I suppose I could make crab cakes with it, but I have a lot of friends with gluten allergies, so that might not even work. I'm in a really tough spot."

At this time, it is still unclear as to how Au Grötten plans to make use of his crab.

While authorities have so far failed to comment on any known methods of telling hipsters and fishermen apart, Officer Thomas Litwit of the Astoria Police Department did confirm that both parties are well known for operating motor vehicles on Marine Drive while blackout drunk.

Local man declares gout a total drag

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Local entrepreneur and everyday man-about-town, Marco Davis, has recently been experiencing something inside his body that is driving him mad; the silent predator known as gout.

According to Wikipedia, gout is a "medical condition usually characterized by recurrent attacks of acute inflammatory arthritis."

A fan favorite in the Downtown Astoria area, Davis is known to many as a bartender, chef, dance instructor, drag queen, entertainer, choreographer, teacher, outreach educator, artist, bow tie specialist, rabble-rouser, Spanish interpreter, diabolical genius, and former mayoral candidate.

But all that came to a sudden, crashing halt when he was sent off to Longview, Washington for a series of complex investigative medical procedures after he reportedly made several complaints about a throbbing pain in his lower hindquarter region.

Within minutes of arriving at the doctor's office, he was diagnosed with gout.

"I'm ruined," Davis stated. "Everything I worked for has been for nothing. It'll be years before I feel comfortable in a pair of Dolce & Gabbana heels again. Years!"

But while Davis has chosen to see himself as an innocent victim of an unforeseen ailment, others have pointed out that, after years of decadent dining and lavish, sugary desserts, he has no one to blame but himself.

Marco Davis dressed in full drag.

"Gout is a rich man's disease," claimed one resident, who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article. "Take a look at how many jobs Marco Davis has. He's obviously very well-off. Meanwhile, I'm just a regular working stiff. I get most of my meals at gas stations and drive-thru windows. I'll never wind up with gout. That's a fact."

As for what gout has in store for the future of Davis, no one can be sure. But if history has taught us anything, it's that Astoria's finest performer of arts can be counted on to overcome nearly anything. And we will await the day to see him once again rise to the stage in his Sunday best as he performs his sickening, yet captivating, dance.

The crowd of eager onlookers will bask in his triumphant return. And he will strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy his brothers. And you shall know his name is Marco when he lay his vengeance upon thee.

For more information about gout, contact your local rheumatologist.