Unenthusiastic mother reevaluates life while feeding overly enthusiastic child

The unenthusiastic mother feeding her overly enthusiastic child at Fultano's Pizza.

An area mother was spotted reevaluating her life while feeding her child today, local sources report.

The mother, who asked that she not be named in this article, is pictured in the photograph to the left, and resides in the 500 block of Alameda Avenue.

When asked as to what could have produced such a surge of reflection and regret, the mother simply stated that her child is a "wild, scathing, unstoppable animal" and that she would "stop at nothing to destroy him once and for all."

Female officer sick and fucking tired of being mistaken for Meat Loaf

Officer Wiley patrols the streets of Astoria: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Nicolette Wiley joined the Astoria Police Department, she had only one thing in mind: protecting and serving the people of her community.

But what she didn't count on was being constantly confused with popular rock artist Meat Loaf.

It has been a curse that has plagued her throughout every day of her career so far.

"I get out of bed and I hit the streets," Wiley explained. "My only goal is to keep this city safe. But people keep rushing out of bars and asking for my autograph, and it's very distracting. Everybody wants to know what it was like to work alongside Ed Norton and Jack Black, but that's not something I can answer. I'm not Meat Loaf. I'm not even a man."

Slab Murphy tells it exactly how it is.

While DNA testing has shown inconclusive results as to Wiley's exact gender, former IRA Chief of Staff and American rock music aficionado Thomas "Slab" Murphy has confirmed that she is, in fact, not the singer/songwriter that she is so commonly mistaken for.

"She ain't exactly easy on the eyes," remarked Slab. "But she's definitely not Meat Loaf. I've studied American rock music my entire life and I could pick Meat Loaf out in a line-up of all the world's fattest, long-haired specimens. She's a hell of a beast, though."

Life in the Slow Lane opens it's doors

Photo courtesy of the International Board of Limited Liability Companies.

After months of public demand, Life in the Slow Lane has finally opened it's doors.

Said to offer hot dogs wrapped in bread and embedded with condiments, Life in the Slow Lane should have no reason but to thrive in a lowbrow community that demands nothing more, or less, than meat wrapped up in some shit, and then filled up with other shit.

As their logo clearly shows, Life in the Slow Lane is an LLC (Limited Liability Company), which means that, while side effects may occur, their liability in this matter is very limited.

Area woman stumbles across Knappa man

Carla Dankin confronting the Knappa man: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Carla Dankin went for a casual walk into the woods east of Astoria, she had no idea what she'd find. She had seen the woods before, but only through Google image searches.

Before long, Carla found herself in an entirely new world. The sounds of passing cars had long since diminished. The woods grew thicker. The air stood still. Everything around her began to change. And before long, she began to miss the safety of Downtown Astoria.

"That's when I saw him," Dankin remarked. "He was crouched down by a creek, trying to catch a fish with nothing but his teeth. He was unlike anything I had ever seen before."

Dankin went on to explain how, after asking the man for directions, he proceeded to growl at her, which he followed by leering awkwardly for a period of several minutes.

"I could tell right away that I had nothing in common with this man," Dankin continued. "Nothing at all. There was something so primal about him. I tried to make small talk with him, just to make the situation more comfortable, but he didn't seem to understand anything I talked about. He didn't even know that Big Ang from Mob Wives had died. How could you not know that? It was all over my Facebook wall for an entire week."

Eventually flipping the man off and retreating to the familiar confines of the city, Dankin promised herself that she would never return to the horrors beyond the 38th pier.

Ted Cruz campaigns for Asian vote in Astoria's Garden of Surging Waves

Cruz arrives at the Garden of Surging Waves in Downtown Astoria.

In a last-ditch effort to secure possibly-needed Asian votes, presidential candidate Ted Cruz made a surprise visit yesterday to the Garden of Surging Waves in beautiful Downtown Astoria.

From there, Cruz will head down to South Carolina, where he will embark upon his campaign in the respective state's primary.

When asked about the outcome of his visit to the Astoria area, a visibly frustrated Cruz referred to it as a "giant waste of time, effort, money and gas."

Witnesses in attendance of the reportedly lackluster event confirmed Cruz's arrival to be received by a weak bout of lukewarm applause, which was then followed by nearly ten minutes of the presidential hopeful repeatedly asking, "Where the Asians at?"

After realizing there are no Asians in Astoria, Cruz slowly retreated to his van.

Still no takers on chocolate-covered waffle

The chocolate-covered waffle (bottom center), along with some other unwanted treats.

After hours of sitting alongside a handful of other unwanted treats, one local workplace still has no takers on a chocolate-covered waffle, sources say.

When asked as to why this particular pastry would remain untouched, worker Richard Thumpley simply shrugged it off and proceeded to finish the candy-sprinkled, raspberry-whipped-cream-filled bear claw he found to be more desirable.

Beanie slowly distancing itself from owner

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

An area beanie has been slowly distancing itself from the head of it's owner, local sources say, citing irreconcilable differences, as well as a growing disgust for the intolerable cliché the man has become.

With no legal process to aid this action, the beanie is said to have plans of gradually gravitating to the back of the man's head a little bit each day until it eventually falls to the ground, where it will then take it's chances in a lost-and-found bin in Downtown Astoria.

When asked about his opinion on this matter, Hollywood actor and self-proclaimed hat enthusiast Terrence Howard offered no comment at this time.

"It'll be interesting to see this unfold," one resident said. "It's about time we considered the opinions of the clothing itself. This story of resistance and rebellion will definitely tide me over until the next time the Bundys occupy a National Wildlife Refuge."

Man with umbrella most likely a tourist

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

A man with an umbrella was spotted in Downtown Astoria today, causing many residents to believe we are in store for an early tourism season.

The city, which is known for its noticeable influx of tourism in the warmer months, can often see a great benefit from these visitors, as it allows local merchants to unload the multitude of unnecessary bullshit they've been attempting to sell us during the months in between.

"This could be excellent news," one merchant said. "I've had a half-dozen wicker giraffes in my shop for about six months now that I haven't been able to get rid of. Now I just have to figure out a way to tie them to The Goonies somehow and those little bastards are as good as sold."

Remaining heterosexual beginning to feel like full-time job, local man claims

With the recent rise of excessively effeminate men wearing skinny jeans, one local man has pointed out that remaining heterosexual is beginning to feel like a full-time job.

Schupe: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Meet avid jogger Joel Schupe. He swears that he's not gay. But lately he's been filled with urges that are becoming increasingly hard to ignore. Urges that consume his every moment.

"It's very hard to determine who's male and who's female these days," Schupe claimed. "Especially from a distance, or when it's dark."

Schupe spends his mornings running along the scenic Astoria Riverwalk. He usually takes a break behind the Safeway loading dock, where he sits on a bench and watches the young men unload heavy crates of merchandise. There's no particular reason why he stops here, he claims. This is just the area on his jogging route where he begins to feel winded.

"I love women," Schupe added. "All of the aunts on my father's side were women. Excellent people. Great ladies, the whole bunch. We had some good times together."

Schupe then began to cough nervously, as he was distracted by a nearby male.

"There's nothing wrong with looking," Schupe said. "I just like a good, tight pair of jeans. I love women. I honestly do. But I should be able to look at whatever I want, right?"

Area man's dinner ruined after recalling deer he hit on way to restaurant

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Sven Carlson decided to load his wife into the car and head to the Big O Saloon, he had nothing but burgers and beer on his mind.

But after a dark detour took him down a windy, unfamiliar stretch of road, he found himself face-to-face with a large herd of deer.

He tried to apply his brakes, but it was already too late, and his mid-nineties Toyota Corolla collided with the youngest deer on the road, savagely disfiguring it in the process.

Carlson, a bank manager at Wauna Credit Union, found himself immediately unequipped to handle the situation. He had seen dying animals before, but only on television. This time it was all too real.

"I wasn't sure what to do," Carlson admitted. "I know you're supposed to put them out of their misery, but I just couldn't do it. It kept looking up at me and waiting for me to get on with it, but all I could do was stare. Eventually, some guy in an old pick-up truck came by and broke it's neck. God, I can still hear that awful snapping sound. It was horrible."

Although the damage to his vehicle was quite extensive, Carlson's morbidly obese wife urged him to proceed to the restaurant as originally planned.

After arriving at the restaurant, however, Carlson found himself unable to eat.

"I drank a lot of beers," Carlson added. "I needed something to take the edge off. But there was something about that burger I just couldn't stomach. Every time I tried to take a bite, the only thing I could see was that little deer just begging to die. I had a couple fries."