Unenthusiastic mother reevaluates life while feeding overly enthusiastic child

The unenthusiastic mother feeding her overly enthusiastic child at Fultano's Pizza.

An area mother was spotted reevaluating her life while feeding her child today, local sources report.

The mother, who asked that she not be named in this article, is pictured in the photograph to the left, and resides in the 500 block of Alameda Avenue.

When asked as to what could have produced such a surge of reflection and regret, the mother simply stated that her child is a "wild, scathing, unstoppable animal" and that she would "stop at nothing to destroy him once and for all."

Female officer sick and fucking tired of being mistaken for Meat Loaf

Officer Wiley patrols the streets of Astoria: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Nicolette Wiley joined the Astoria Police Department, she had only one thing in mind: protecting and serving the people of her community.

But what she didn't count on was being constantly confused with popular rock artist Meat Loaf.

It has been a curse that has plagued her throughout every day of her career so far.

"I get out of bed and I hit the streets," Wiley explained. "My only goal is to keep this city safe. But people keep rushing out of bars and asking for my autograph, and it's very distracting. Everybody wants to know what it was like to work alongside Ed Norton and Jack Black, but that's not something I can answer. I'm not Meat Loaf. I'm not even a man."

Slab Murphy tells it exactly how it is.

While DNA testing has shown inconclusive results as to Wiley's exact gender, former IRA Chief of Staff and American rock music aficionado Thomas "Slab" Murphy has confirmed that she is, in fact, not the singer/songwriter that she is so commonly mistaken for.

"She ain't exactly easy on the eyes," remarked Slab. "But she's definitely not Meat Loaf. I've studied American rock music my entire life and I could pick Meat Loaf out in a line-up of all the world's fattest, long-haired specimens. She's a hell of a beast, though."

Life in the Slow Lane opens it's doors

Photo courtesy of the International Board of Limited Liability Companies.

After months of public demand, Life in the Slow Lane has finally opened it's doors.

Said to offer hot dogs wrapped in bread and embedded with condiments, Life in the Slow Lane should have no reason but to thrive in a lowbrow community that demands nothing more, or less, than meat wrapped up in some shit, and then filled up with other shit.

As their logo clearly shows, Life in the Slow Lane is an LLC (Limited Liability Company), which means that, while side effects may occur, their liability in this matter is very limited.

Area woman stumbles across Knappa man

Carla Dankin confronting the Knappa man: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Carla Dankin went for a casual walk into the woods east of Astoria, she had no idea what she'd find. She had seen the woods before, but only through Google image searches.

Before long, Carla found herself in an entirely new world. The sounds of passing cars had long since diminished. The woods grew thicker. The air stood still. Everything around her began to change. And before long, she began to miss the safety of Downtown Astoria.

"That's when I saw him," Dankin remarked. "He was crouched down by a creek, trying to catch a fish with nothing but his teeth. He was unlike anything I had ever seen before."

Dankin went on to explain how, after asking the man for directions, he proceeded to growl at her, which he followed by leering awkwardly for a period of several minutes.

"I could tell right away that I had nothing in common with this man," Dankin continued. "Nothing at all. There was something so primal about him. I tried to make small talk with him, just to make the situation more comfortable, but he didn't seem to understand anything I talked about. He didn't even know that Big Ang from Mob Wives had died. How could you not know that? It was all over my Facebook wall for an entire week."

Eventually flipping the man off and retreating to the familiar confines of the city, Dankin promised herself that she would never return to the horrors beyond the 38th pier.

Ted Cruz campaigns for Asian vote in Astoria's Garden of Surging Waves

Cruz arrives at the Garden of Surging Waves in Downtown Astoria.

In a last-ditch effort to secure possibly-needed Asian votes, presidential candidate Ted Cruz made a surprise visit yesterday to the Garden of Surging Waves in beautiful Downtown Astoria.

From there, Cruz will head down to South Carolina, where he will embark upon his campaign in the respective state's primary.

When asked about the outcome of his visit to the Astoria area, a visibly frustrated Cruz referred to it as a "giant waste of time, effort, money and gas."

Witnesses in attendance of the reportedly lackluster event confirmed Cruz's arrival to be received by a weak bout of lukewarm applause, which was then followed by nearly ten minutes of the presidential hopeful repeatedly asking, "Where the Asians at?"

After realizing there are no Asians in Astoria, Cruz slowly retreated to his van.

Still no takers on chocolate-covered waffle

The chocolate-covered waffle (bottom center), along with some other unwanted treats.

After hours of sitting alongside a handful of other unwanted treats, one local workplace still has no takers on a chocolate-covered waffle, sources say.

When asked as to why this particular pastry would remain untouched, worker Richard Thumpley simply shrugged it off and proceeded to finish the candy-sprinkled, raspberry-whipped-cream-filled bear claw he found to be more desirable.

Beanie slowly distancing itself from owner

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

An area beanie has been slowly distancing itself from the head of it's owner, local sources say, citing irreconcilable differences, as well as a growing disgust for the intolerable cliché the man has become.

With no legal process to aid this action, the beanie is said to have plans of gradually gravitating to the back of the man's head a little bit each day until it eventually falls to the ground, where it will then take it's chances in a lost-and-found bin in Downtown Astoria.

When asked about his opinion on this matter, Hollywood actor and self-proclaimed hat enthusiast Terrence Howard offered no comment at this time.

"It'll be interesting to see this unfold," one resident said. "It's about time we considered the opinions of the clothing itself. This story of resistance and rebellion will definitely tide me over until the next time the Bundys occupy a National Wildlife Refuge."

Man with umbrella most likely a tourist

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

A man with an umbrella was spotted in Downtown Astoria today, causing many residents to believe we are in store for an early tourism season.

The city, which is known for its noticeable influx of tourism in the warmer months, can often see a great benefit from these visitors, as it allows local merchants to unload the multitude of unnecessary bullshit they've been attempting to sell us during the months in between.

"This could be excellent news," one merchant said. "I've had a half-dozen wicker giraffes in my shop for about six months now that I haven't been able to get rid of. Now I just have to figure out a way to tie them to The Goonies somehow and those little bastards are as good as sold."

Remaining heterosexual beginning to feel like full-time job, local man claims

With the recent rise of excessively effeminate men wearing skinny jeans, one local man has pointed out that remaining heterosexual is beginning to feel like a full-time job.

Schupe: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

Meet avid jogger Joel Schupe. He swears that he's not gay. But lately he's been filled with urges that are becoming increasingly hard to ignore. Urges that consume his every moment.

"It's very hard to determine who's male and who's female these days," Schupe claimed. "Especially from a distance, or when it's dark."

Schupe spends his mornings running along the scenic Astoria Riverwalk. He usually takes a break behind the Safeway loading dock, where he sits on a bench and watches the young men unload heavy crates of merchandise. There's no particular reason why he stops here, he claims. This is just the area on his jogging route where he begins to feel winded.

"I love women," Schupe added. "All of the aunts on my father's side were women. Excellent people. Great ladies, the whole bunch. We had some good times together."

Schupe then began to cough nervously, as he was distracted by a nearby male.

"There's nothing wrong with looking," Schupe said. "I just like a good, tight pair of jeans. I love women. I honestly do. But I should be able to look at whatever I want, right?"

Area man's dinner ruined after recalling deer he hit on way to restaurant

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Sven Carlson decided to load his wife into the car and head to the Big O Saloon, he had nothing but burgers and beer on his mind.

But after a dark detour took him down a windy, unfamiliar stretch of road, he found himself face-to-face with a large herd of deer.

He tried to apply his brakes, but it was already too late, and his mid-nineties Toyota Corolla collided with the youngest deer on the road, savagely disfiguring it in the process.

Carlson, a bank manager at Wauna Credit Union, found himself immediately unequipped to handle the situation. He had seen dying animals before, but only on television. This time it was all too real.

"I wasn't sure what to do," Carlson admitted. "I know you're supposed to put them out of their misery, but I just couldn't do it. It kept looking up at me and waiting for me to get on with it, but all I could do was stare. Eventually, some guy in an old pick-up truck came by and broke it's neck. God, I can still hear that awful snapping sound. It was horrible."

Although the damage to his vehicle was quite extensive, Carlson's morbidly obese wife urged him to proceed to the restaurant as originally planned.

After arriving at the restaurant, however, Carlson found himself unable to eat.

"I drank a lot of beers," Carlson added. "I needed something to take the edge off. But there was something about that burger I just couldn't stomach. Every time I tried to take a bite, the only thing I could see was that little deer just begging to die. I had a couple fries."

No one entirely sure if random footpaths in Astoria are public or private property

Over two hundred years after Astoria was founded, many area residents are still unsure if the random footpaths throughout the city are public or private property.

A footpath leading from Grand Avenue to 12th Street in Astoria.

These footpaths, which tend to act as a walkable connector between one street and another, have long since been used by Astoria's more unsavory inhabitants.

But should we be using them? And if so, what other types of weird bullshit are we allowed to do in these paths?

Getting an answer to these questions, as local footpath expert Hogswell Bilberton explains, may not be easy.

"The truth of the matter is that even the city is unsure about who these paths belong to," Bilberton said. "No one even knows who is responsible for maintaining them. Once every fortnight, they are inexplicably cared for. And always very properly. And always after the sun goes down. What's even stranger is that every four years, on February 29th, a massive clean-up of the invasive blackberry briar is performed. And no one is ever there to witness it. It's one of Astoria's greatest mysteries. What we oughta do is stake these areas out and see how it all goes down. We're only weeks away from solving this one."

Bilberton was later found deceased in Room 308 of the Commodore Hotel. He was then carelessly tossed into a dark corner of the basement, where he is still presumed to be.

Cheeseburger man sighting at Seaside hotel leaves many residents on edge

Cheeseburger Man: Photo courtesy of Bob "The Slob" Dublin.

A recent sighting of a man who witnesses describe as being "half man, half cheeseburger" has left many Seaside residents on edge.

Standing approximately seven feet tall and wearing a long, tattered trench coat, the cheeseburger man was last spotted pointing ominously at onlookers outside the Best Western Ocean View Resort on North Promenade.

Although dozens of sightings have been reported throughout the beachfront area of the coastal town, only one resident was brazen enough to photograph the unidentified burger.

"I got right in there and snapped a sweet-ass picture of that fucker while I had the chance," remarked Bob Dublin, an out-of-work dreamcatcher from Manzanita.

The photograph was later sent to Astoria for authenticity verification purposes.

"The photograph I inspected was one hundred percent legitimate," claimed Clatsop County's on-call forensic analyst Rhubarbio Swift. "There is absolutely no way this picture could have been altered in Microsoft Paint. The cheeseburger man is undoubtedly real. And, if I might add, he looks like he'd be absolutely delicious if he was dipped in ranch."

Swift was last in the news when his brief stint in the race car circuit came to an abrupt end after a failed attempt at driving in a perfect triangle pattern at over 100 miles-per-hour.

If you have any information regarding the cheeseburger man, please come forward now.

Area man sneezes loudly after exiting vehicle in Fred Meyer parking lot

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

A local man was spotted sneezing loudly after exiting his mid-nineties Toyota Corolla in the Fred Meyer parking lot, reports say.

Witnesses of the incident were quick to identify the man as Jerome Sandwich, 29, of Warrenton.

When asked about the cause of the sneeze, Sandwich remained evasive and unsure.

"It was the strangest thing," remarked Sandwich. "As soon as I got out of my car, it just happened. There was absolutely no warning at all. There was nothing I could do to prepare for it. I don't know how to explain it. It's very difficult to describe. It's really not a big deal, though."

While Sandwich's explanation of the event seemed acceptable to most residents, others seemed more reluctant to believe him.

"He knows exactly what happened," one witness claimed. "He's a fat fuck."

Until further information is available, any investigation into this matter will remain on hold. While getting down to the root cause of Sandwich's sneeze may seem like a trivial and unnecessary process to some, others have pointed out that complete and utter transparency is the key to a successful county. But with every process, there is also a cost. And in times like these, Clatsop County simply does not have the resources.

Area hipster denied large personal loan

When Jacob Sterling entered the Bank of the Pacific office on Commercial Street, he had all intentions of walking out of there a very rich man.

But what Sterling hadn't counted on is the bank's right to deny him of his requested loan.

Photo courtesy of the Bank of the Pacific security system.

Sterling, a self-employed dishwasher from Tigard, recently moved to Astoria in search of a geographical cure to the multitude of problems he left behind.

"I've been having a very difficult time getting by," Sterling said. "But there's nothing going on in my life that a hundred grand couldn't fix."

When asked why Sterling would be denied a loan of this size, Bank of the Pacific teller Jack Morningbone explained it was simply out of their comfort zone.

"I'm trying to remain cordial here," Morningbone said. "But Mr. Sterling wouldn't qualify for even our most minimal loan programs. He has no assets, no record of employment, no pending settlements, and was quite frank about not being able to pay the loan back."

Cult Movie Club hits Astoria Skate Park

Astoria Skate Park and Metal Head will be joining forces to introduce Cult Movie Club, which kicks off this coming Tuesday, February 9th, at 9:00 pm.

According to our sources, these events will feature free showings of cult movies, chips and dip, and high-ranking members of Astoria's growing network of undesirables.

A typical example of black people enjoying a Sunday afternoon.

To start the festivities off, Cult Movie Club will be showing Tyler Perry's Black Sunday, the story of one urban family's tireless search for the greatest BBQ experience.

Metal Head owner and proprietor Gentle Johnson declined to comment on this article, although later recanted his refusal and spoke endlessly of the event.

"We're expecting Cult Movie Club to be nothing short of a major success," Johnson said. "We have huge plans for these events."

Johnson then went on to make several seemingly impossible promises, ranging from high-end Portland strippers to complimentary hair treatments by renowned stylist Chaz Dean.

Inevitably admitting that these promises were too big to fulfill, Johnson shamefully retreated behind the dark curtain in Metal Head, where he is still presumed to be.

Longtime residents beginning to look out of place in newly revitalized Downtown

Albert Munch walks his dog on 11th Street: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

While the recent revitalization of Downtown Astoria has been seen by most as a necessary and long-overdue breath of fresh air for the historic city, many longtime residents are beginning to complain that they now feel out of place in their own city.

Take Albert Munch, for example. He grew up in Astoria. To him, there is no other place in the world that he would call home. And while he occasionally has to go to Portland for cataract surgery, the longest he's been away from this city were the two tours he did in Korea.

"I came up in these streets," said Munch. "Back in my day, you wouldn't see all these bright colors on buildings. We used to paint everything either white or brown. It was a real deep brown, too. A fine color. Nowadays, everything just looks fruity and gay."

Stopping briefly to reorganize his wallet, Munch continued his annoying tirade.

Munch reminisces at Street 14 Coffee.

"This coffee shop used to actually be something," said Munch, as he lingered awkwardly in Street 14 Coffee. "As a young boy, I used to come here to buy these little toy guns. They were made out of real steel, right here in America. When you pulled the trigger, a flag would come out and it would have a nice lookin' dame on it. Jean Harlow, Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, Jane Russell, Mae West, Grace Kelly, Betty White, all the old time broads."

Munch then went on to explain how he plans to write a letter to congress, demanding that everything be put back to the way it was "when Astoria was still a great city."

But while the grandfathers of Astoria look back upon their precious golden days with a sense of loss and longing in their hearts, their screams inevitably fall on deaf ears, as the sounds of our property values rising could drown out even the angriest of dying men.

Bill Cosby sentenced to five years community service in Astoria brewery

Cosby at Fort George Brewery: Photo courtesy of Attorney Pike Balderdash.

In a recent upset for the alleged victims of the disgraced actor, Bill Cosby has been sentenced to five years of community service at the Fort George Brewery and Public House.

Along with the community service ruling, Cosby will also be subject to a multitude of fines, amounting to nearly seventeen hundred dollars in total.

Per Cosby's court-appointed attorney, these fines will not be tax deductible.

The controversial decision came about as part of Mayor Arline LaMear's new "Slippery Smooth Politics" campaign, where the city will take on recently stigmatized celebrities in an effort to rehabilitate them before they are allowed to reenter the civilized world.

"My client is basically fucked," remarked Attorney Pike Balderdash, who is representing Cosby. "They're sticking it right up his black ass with a goddamn fucking broomstick. This is an unjust punishment. He knows nothing about craft beer. He's not even a beer drinker. He prefers wine. He should be allowed to complete his community service in Knappa."

For more information about Bill Cosby, please visit the World Wide Web.

Area transplants unable to find work due to lack of Duck Dynasty knowledge

A recent study has shown that transplants to the area show very little chance of gaining meaningful employment unless they display a fundamental knowledge of Duck Dynasty.

The study, which was conducted by a panel of experts, reveals that many of the questions job seekers are asked during the typical interview process have more to do with the A&E reality series than the actual position they are applying for.

While this is generally good news for die-hard fans of the show, it puts an increased burden on those unfamiliar with it. And with so few jobs available, those who are most committed to hard work are often put aside in favor of less qualified candidates.

Dr. Wayne explains the phenomenon.

To explain the situation, we asked Dr. Wayne Jetski, a licensed therapist, who specializes in pre-employment process psychology.

"When it comes to Clatsop County, job qualifications are simply not expected," Jetski explained. "Remember, we are dealing with a demographic that puts ranch sauce on nearly everything. While you would expect most employers to be concerned with a job applicant's prior experience and capabilities, this just isn't the case. In this area, management positions are typically given to friends and relatives of the business owner. These are people who have virtually no skin in the game. They don't know what it takes to run a business. In many cases, they don't even know what the business even does, and are therefore perfectly happy to mill around and talk about Duck Dynasty all day. Even in the interview process. It's quite disturbing."