Female officer sick and fucking tired of being mistaken for Meat Loaf

Officer Wiley patrols the streets of Astoria: Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

When Nicolette Wiley joined the Astoria Police Department, she had only one thing in mind: protecting and serving the people of her community.

But what she didn't count on was being constantly confused with popular rock artist Meat Loaf.

It has been a curse that has plagued her throughout every day of her career so far.

"I get out of bed and I hit the streets," Wiley explained. "My only goal is to keep this city safe. But people keep rushing out of bars and asking for my autograph, and it's very distracting. Everybody wants to know what it was like to work alongside Ed Norton and Jack Black, but that's not something I can answer. I'm not Meat Loaf. I'm not even a man."

Slab Murphy tells it exactly how it is.

While DNA testing has shown inconclusive results as to Wiley's exact gender, former IRA Chief of Staff and American rock music aficionado Thomas "Slab" Murphy has confirmed that she is, in fact, not the singer/songwriter that she is so commonly mistaken for.

"She ain't exactly easy on the eyes," remarked Slab. "But she's definitely not Meat Loaf. I've studied American rock music my entire life and I could pick Meat Loaf out in a line-up of all the world's fattest, long-haired specimens. She's a hell of a beast, though."