Trump takes campaign trail to Clatsop County, receives eerie premonition

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Billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump took his campaign trail to Clatsop County today, where he was greeted warmly in front of the Goonies House by a crowd of angry, white, working class nationalists.

In an effort to diffuse any support that Bernie Sanders may have conjured up during his visit to the area only one day prior, Trump took to attacking his Democratic rival's record and agenda right off the bat. But not before taking on an old rival, as well.

"Let me just start off by saying that Rosie O'Donnell is a fat, putrid, foul excuse of a human being," Trump remarked. "If you can even call her that."

The crowd exploded into a fury of cheers. "Bring us her head!" one man yelled.

Trump pointed and winked at the man. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" he said. "I like you folks. You have a lot of energy. A lot more than my friend Jeb does."

The crowd cheered wildly and demanded Jeb's head on a platter.

"I understand Bernie paid a visit to this area yesterday," Trump said, as the crowd jeered. "I'm sorry, that must have been a very boring visit for you. I mean, the man seems to think that we can solve all of the country's problems by holding hands and planting flowers and making everything free. He's basically a mix between John Lennon and Vladimir Lenin. Am I right? When I'm right, I'm right...am I right? The man is an absolute pussy."

Trump then stepped back abruptly and began massaging his temples, as if concentrating on something very troubling. "I'm receiving a premonition, ladies and gentleman," Trump said. "I'm receiving a message from the beyond."

Trump, receiving a cryptic message from a world beyond worlds.

"This is not good," he told the crowd. "But I have just received word that Bernie Sanders will not be with us for much longer, folks. It appears that, for whatever reason, the next world is ready to take him on."

"Holy shit, he's fucking psychic!" screamed a young child from her mother's Baby Bjorn ergonomic carrier.

"That's right, baby!" Trump said proudly. "It's magic time!"

Trump then slowly faded away until there was nothing left where he stood but a pile of cold, hard cash. The crowd dove into the pile and fought endlessly, grasping at whatever their hands could take hold of. Even the sea lions that waste their lives away at the East Mooring Basin piers crawled up the hill to get their share.