Area residents not feeling the Bern

Bernie Sanders tears into a crowd of unsuspecting Astorians.

Astoria residents were less than cordial when a surprise appearance by presidential candidate Bernie Sanders took place on the corner of Commercial and 12th.

Sanders had arrived in town early yesterday morning in the hopes of reaching out to the historic city in an effort to secure more support in Oregon's traditionally right-leaning North Coast.

Dozens of onlookers gathered before Sanders as he pitched his ideas. Many of them taking to Googling the definition of "Democratic socialism" as he spoke.

"I take a look at this city and I see great beauty," Sanders told the crowd. "I see hope. I see opportunity. But I also see evidence of hard times. I see trouble on the horizon."

"What do we need to do, Bernie?" asked one man.

"Don't cut me off!" Sanders snapped. "This city is a concrete example of the dangers of capitalism. Look at those piers. Look at those abandoned canneries. Bumble Bee Tuna has packed up and moved their operations to California. And they are never, ever coming back. Your mayor of twenty-one years has jumped ship. You never jump ship. You sink with your people. That's the way ol' Bern Dawg would have played it. Your city's infrastructure is crumbling and no one will help you. Josh Brolin and Richard Tyson won't even return your phone calls anymore. Not even a single phone call. It's 2016, ladies and gentlemen. We all have caller ID. They see who's calling. They know it's you."

Reaching into his breast pocket, Sanders retrieved a single 81mg Bayer. "Does anyone have a drink of water? I'm on a very strict aspirin regimen."

After a brief wait, Sanders was handed a tall glass of ice water by a member of Tora Sushi Lounge's waitstaff. He washed the pill down and continued on.

"The big city players are out to destroy you," Sanders said. "The movers and shakers from Portland, they come here and they plant their roots in the ground. And it won't be long until they suck your soil dry. They represent less than one percent of your population, yet over 99% of this city's wealth is distributed between them. That, my friends, is not fair. These brewery owners have got to be accountable for their actions, just as you and I are. The same goes for those Portland transplants that come here and open up those little curio shops. You can never find anything worth buying in those shops, yet, somehow, they have all the wealth. While these people are adorned with fancy hats and expensive Patagonia jackets, you hardworking folks are all living below the poverty line. That's not how it should be. Those odds are simply stacked against you. How any of you folks are able to drink craft beers every night at five dollars a pop is beyond me."

"Go home, you fuckin' filthy Jew!" one onlooker screamed.

"That was completely out of line," Sanders responded. "But I'm gonna let it slide, because the amount of freedom you'll be given under my leadership is unbeatable."

"Will there ever be a Seinfeld reunion?" another resident asked.

"All right," Sanders replied, as he began gathering his items. "That's enough of this rubbish. You people can live in your little bubble all you want. Go ahead and vote for Trump. See how that goes. It's not like anything would ever change in this city, anyway."

Sanders and his entourage then packed their things away into a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla and left the scene. As the small crowd slowly dispersed into the streets of Downtown Astoria, each of those in attendance realized that, for the first time in their lives, they had actually been a part of something. And although most of them weren't quite sure what it was that had taken place, it still felt nice to be involved.