The scientists, who were sent from Portland four years ago to monitor the behaviors of lesser cultures, were said to have used a combination of temperature gauges, flood maps, almanacs, archive data and hypotheses.
"There's no mistaking it, the rape season will hit sooner than expected," said lead scientist Garland Sandwich. "Most people will blame El Niño, but there's more to it than that."
Sandwich then went on to explain the boring details that led to their forecast.
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| Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web. |
For years, it has been a hot spot for walkers, joggers and bicyclists. And in the spring and summer, a tourist attraction for those arriving to the city by cruise ship at the nearby Port of Astoria.
But the Astoria Riverwalk is also known for a statistically high number of rapes that occur in the warmer months. It is a time of year known to locals as "rape season".
"As long as Astoria sees a high fluctuation of visitors," Sandwich explained. "There will always be a rape season. It's a combination between the homeless community being more comfortable in the dry weather and the fact that people from outside of Astoria are simply more attractive. You put those two things together and you've got a recipe for disaster. And there's really no way to stop it. Nor should we. When graded as a whole, the homeless population are a pretty lethargic demographic. Like it or not, rape season provides an excellent source of cardio for these folks."
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