Astoria mayor's hidden past revealed

Photo courtesy of Clatsop Community Corrections.

To some, Mayor Arline LaMear may appear to be a completely harmless senior; just an innocent grandmother with nothing to hide.

You may look at her and be reminded of a Norman Rockwell painting, or of a little old lady who kindly asks you to reach something for her from the top shelves of your local grocer.

You may even look at her and feel a sense of compassion, the likes of which we rarely come across in these modern, troubled times.

And when you look at her and think these things, you may find yourself questioning the legitimacy of them. And you'd be right to, because deep down inside, Arline LaMear is nothing more than a cold and calculating sociopath, who will stop at nothing to destroy anything that gets in her way.

A twenty-one year veteran of the State Presidency of the Virginia Association of School Librarians, LaMear eventually moved to the Pacific Northwest to escape the culminating secrets of her past. From there, she began serving as head librarian of the Columbia River Maritime Museum, a position which she has held since 1997.

But it's what most of us don't know about LaMear that is the most troubling.

In 1973, LaMear was found in a near-comatose state after ingesting over a dozen hash brownies. First responders described LaMear as being "unresponsive, but easy to carry."

In 1984, LaMear was placed on house arrest after several of her neighbors discovered she had been rummaging through their trash barrels at night. It should be noted, however, that the house arrest was placed upon her under the terms of her homeowners association contract, and no official charges were ever filed.

In 1996, LaMear was arrested after a pair of JNCO jeans went missing from a collection of items intended for an Astoria High School time capsule. VHS footage of the theft was sent to the Oregon Department of Education in Salem for further analysis, where it was then lost under mysterious circumstances. All charges were eventually dropped.

In 2004, LaMear's name came up on multiple occasions when locals were questioned about a mysterious new drug called "Blumpkin Sauce." No charges were ever filed.

And in 2014, LaMear's political rival, Larry Taylor, was found handcuffed to a dead Annie's Tavern stripper behind Suomi Hall. He claimed to have no recollection of the events that had transpired, but recalled accepting an open container beverage from LaMear at a local fundraiser. No charges were ever filed with either Taylor or LaMear, although Taylor's run for mayor came to a crashing halt in the wake of the confusion.

For more information about Arline LaMear, please visit the World Wide Web.