Columbian Café takes gold at Astoria's 2015 Decent-Ass Places Awards

Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web.

For the third consecutive year, the Columbian Café took home first prize at this year's Decent-Ass Places Awards.

The ceremony, which was held in Room 302 of the historically relevant Commodore Hotel, was attended by the upper echelon of Astoria, and is the oldest award ceremony west of the Rockies.

For over thirty years, the Columbian Café has offered an unparalleled standard for dining in the Northwest, specializing in fresh, locally caught seafood dishes and balls-to-the-wall vegetarian fare.

Serrano Squints, circa 2014.

"It feels good to beat everyone else," said Chef Serrano Squints, a classically trained long-order cook, who works the Columbian's daytime shift. "We're a decent-ass place. We worked hard to get there. I'm just glad that we're getting the recognition we deserve. Three years in a row, I might add. Show and prove, baby. This is the big-time! It's all uphill from here."

Squints was later transported to the St. John Medical Center in Longview, Washington, as a malfunction in his Transitions® XTRActive® lenses caused him to dart off wildly into a passing logging truck.

Runners-up for the award expressed frustrations with the Columbian's impressive three-time winning streak, although begrudgingly admitted that their reputation is well-deserved.

"It's definitely a decent-ass place," Burger King spokesman Buckwald Spinebuckets conceded. "I think they deserve a pat on the back, for sure, but I don't necessarily think they're the best. Either way, it's not fair that we only got third place. This is just a perfect example of how the Yumbo® Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwich keeps getting overlooked by critics."