Area residents no longer able to distinguish between hipsters and legitimate fishermen

With a new mayor in office, many unresolved issues in Astoria have been coming to light. And on the forefront of it all is the increasing number of complaints from area residents being unable to tell the difference between hipsters and legitimate fishermen.

With their signature flannels, worn jeans, undersized beanies and scruffy beards, it seems that the crossover between the two groups' appearances has become too substantial for locals to form any noteworthy distinction between one demographic and the other.

One resident who claims to have encountered this problem many times is Johnny Au Grötten, an Astoria transplant, who recently moved from Idaho to hide from the secrets of his past. 

Johnny Au Grötten, distracted by a nearby sea turtle.

"I was trying to talk to some guy about the new Incan Abraham CD," Au Grötten remarked, pausing briefly to adjust his crotch. "The next thing I know, I'm walking home with over ten pounds of Dungeness crab. It turns out he was actually some sort of sea captain. I don't even know what to do with all that crab. I suppose I could make crab cakes with it, but I have a lot of friends with gluten allergies, so that might not even work. I'm in a really tough spot."

At this time, it is still unclear as to how Au Grötten plans to make use of his crab.

While authorities have so far failed to comment on any known methods of telling hipsters and fishermen apart, Officer Thomas Litwit of the Astoria Police Department did confirm that both parties are well known for operating motor vehicles on Marine Drive while blackout drunk.